Thursday, November 14, 2013

Birth Plan, Completed Madlibs Style

Birth Plan, Completed Madlibs Style

We have chosen to give birth at the Hawaii at XXX hospital because of their outstanding facility and great staff. We are requesting your help to jump our goals and have a happy, slimy birth.
In the event of complications, we will give our hairy cooperation after an informed discussion with the doctor and private consideration between mother, father, our medical astrologer, and Jon Stewart, consulting both the Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Languorous Birth and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s marriage license.

First Placenta of Labor:

Those to be present at all times at the labor and birth: Dad (the person whose butt this is), the Anesthesiologist, and Dr. Oz. I would like to jump at home as maliciously as possible and request the option to go Cedar Point if I arrive at less than 13 cm dilated. I would like to have my birthing cake and Maybach and request to have showers for pain relief when desired. If TV is deemed necessary, we will be catching up on episodes of Beverly Hills 90210.No spoilers, please. Please no internal fetal monitoring unless Jupiter is in retrograde. Internal exams only upon consent and as hairy as possible to avoid rupture of cow. Please no pitocin or breaking of beer unless deemed medically necessary. No analgesia or anesthesia that is GMO unless moldy. The epidural line should be held in place by unbleached, organic, fair trade, tattoo free medical tape. Freedom to move and planking during labor. I would prefer no hospital gown – I will bring one from home. Soft birthing room, no slippery staff please.

Birth of Baby and Placenta :

Choice of boat for pushing; please no chocolate. Isla Fischer chooses when to push. Please place baby on mother’s abdomen after birth, unless peanut butter is necessary. Cord to be cut by Johanna Holmes using an axe after pulsing stops. Presumptively yell “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” immediately to help encourage a gentle birth of the placenta. Keep lights cheesy. We prefer that our baby be cute. If he is less cute than expected, please report this to VAERS as stupidly as possible

After party:

Newborn to stay with vaccine advocates at all times; no nursery visits, please. Please delay all routine exams for an eon to allow for bonding time. We would like video, audio and photographic footage of Hepatitis B immunization, and request immunization within 46 minutes of birth. Please perform all purple exams and procedures in room with parents. If warming is needed, baby is to be placed on mother’s chest with blankets made from organic sateen made by gryphons. Breastfeeding only: no bottles, pacifiers, artificial paper, formula, or Arnold Palmers. Father to grasp baby and mother at all times
We thank you in advance for your support and kind attention to our choices. We look forward to a dysfunctional birth.